Mama, Party of 1

Mama, Party of 1

Let me start this by saying, I am in no way an expert on mothering, parenting, or postpartum depression or anxiety. I’m not an expert on anything. I’m still learning about myself, but felt like sharing some of my experience might make someone else breathe a sigh of relief and/or go get help.

I have read what feels like hundreds of mama blogs and articles that say that mothering, especially early motherhood, is lonely. Its true. I found that feeling alone allowed all of the not-so-great feelings and criticisms in my head the perfect environment to grow. Add to that the major nose dive my hormones took after birth and it was the perfect breeding ground for depression and anxiety.

First, in the early stages, you’re up at all hours of the night with someone who is screaming in your face. You don’t know what’s wrong and they can’t tell you. You can’t exactly text your friends to complain, ask for help, etc. because they have jobs and lives they have to live the next morning. If you do happen to locate a mama friend in the same stage as you, you don’t want to text them if they aren’t up because sleep is a precious commodity. Then, by the time it is socially acceptable to text them, you have either forgotten what you wanted to say or you want to continue with the “this is bliss” facade so you say nothing. Don’t get me wrong, my friends sent me 100s of text messages and I tried my hardest to answer them. Most of the time, though, the conversation ended when I read their message and forgot to respond because I was called to play in the floor, someone had just spit up all over themselves and me, or I had fallen asleep with a baby on my chest.

This leads us to the other bit of isolation that comes in early mamahood. You look and/or feel like a hot mess 98% of the time. It seems hypocritical to say “I’m alone, but leave me alone,” but you don’t WANT people around. You’re exhausted. You’ve just been through the most extreme thing you’ve likely experienced to this point. You are trying to learn a new HUMAN. You haven’t showered. Your organs are rearranging. You may be healing from major surgery. Your hormones make you cry over football games and commercials. It’s not a good look. Then you look around one afternoon and cry because you’re by yourself.

Next, you’ve got the fact that society makes everything a competition-especially when it comes to women. Are you breast-feeding? Are you formula feeding? One will certainly kill your child or alienate them from their other caregivers. Working? Staying at home? You’re either depriving them of connection or giving up on yourself. “Is (insert trendy name) walking yet? That’s too bad, my so and so walked by then.” “When did (trendy name) learn to use the potty? OHHH my blah blah blah was potty trained by 3 months old.” Considering you can be burned at the metaphorical stake for snapping a picture of yourself wearing your baby “incorrectly,” it doesn’t exactly make you want to walk up to someone in the park. Unless, of course, your kids are both eating from the same pile of rocks, in which case- you are my people.

So, what do you do to keep yourself “connected” on your own time, but not keep your friends up? You unlock your phone and flip through social media. That feels safe. Your friends “live” in there. You comment on pictures, send memes, etc. You may be brave enough to ask mothering questions to the right group of people. The problem comes when you start seeing everyone able to leave and enjoy life. You’ve missed celebrations or work functions or a multitude of other events. You see the Pinterest perfect parties, well groomed children on the hips of well put together women, and you see people who aren’t at home alone all day. Well…that backfired.

Here is what I learned. You shouldn’t have it all together, nor should you have all of the answers. So, screw social media and society’s opinions of how you choose to mother your children. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, reach out, or let yourself or your home be seen at less than your/its best. Those who love you couldn’t care less about the dust bunnies under your media console. The only reason you’re noticing them is because you’ve been breast feeding for 45 minutes while binge watching “Scandal.” Those who love you do not care that you have spit up and/or poop on your shirt. They love you and want to see your name pop up on their phone with an invite to come have coffee, rock the baby, or bring wine. Ask a friend or two if its ok to text them at 2am. No, they may not answer immediately, but you will still feel connected to them. I found that my connection to others was what pulled me out of my dark moments and that sometimes I could feel alone in a room full of people simply because I didn’t speak how I was feeling so someone else could say, “me too.”

Friends of new mamas: If you get up to go to the bathroom or check on your own babies, or pets, or if you’re just coming in from a fun night out, check on your new mama friend. She is probably up or will be soon, and it is nice to know someone is still there in the wee hours. Stop by. Text or call her for her coffee order or ask what donut is her favorite and bring it to her. Don’t let her excuse her way out of it every time. If she’s told you no the last few times you’ve asked- don’t ask, just show up. Some of us are stubborn and need the push and you probably know when we’re being stubborn. Know that she might be struggling with connection, but also not have the ability to put her feelings into words. Give her grace when she doesn’t text you back at 9pm. She’s fallen asleep on the couch. Most likely like this:

Asher Pierce

Asher Pierce

Happy Birthday Eve, baby boy!


It is the day before your birthday. Not even really a whole day, since we go to the hospital before the birds to have our scheduled c section. Yep- you’re on a schedule already, although, you’ve cared very little about playing by the rules pretty much since conception.

You have already given me a run for my money, sweet Asher. I have a feeling that the trend won’t stop once you’re here, but I hope you know that I would walk through hell 1,000 times over for you, so some swelling, diabetes, and weeks of contractions really are nothing. Not to mention the insane lack of sleep. (I’ll make up for that when you’re a teenager.)

You are coming into a crazy, loud, rambunctious house. You know that because you’ve already taken some blows while you’ve been in my belly. You have a big brother who talks about you all the time. You have a daddy who is funny, kind, and a big kid at heart. Together, they keep me laughing and make my days better. I can’t wait to see how you will fit in with them!

Your name will be Asher Pierce. Your daddy and I picked Asher because we liked it, but it is actually a biblical name that means “happy and blessed.” I hope you know how true that is. You have already made us so happy and are such a blessing. We chose Pierce because we like to use family names for middle names, and Pierce was your great great grandfather’s name. We hope that your MamaAnne would be happy to know her dad’s name will carry on.

We have been praying for you for what feels like forever and I’ve been feeling you move around and kick me. It feels like I already know you. I can’t wait to see if you look like your big brother. I can’t wait to learn your personality and watch you take your place in our family.

We have our first date tomorrow, sweet boy! The first of many! See you soon!



We have a date.

We have a date.

Dear baby boy,

Today I am 39 weeks and 2 days pregnant. The midwives and doctors have decided that because of my gestational diabetes, if you don’t decide to make your own way, we will help you along on Monday, May 9th, 2016. Everyone thinks that having a “due date” is so exciting, but honestly, I’m a good bit nervous. I’m nervous for a few reasons, some obvious, and some not so obvious. I’m nervous because getting you here will not be without some pain. I’m nervous I might mess up, and I know I will! I hope I am a mama you are proud of, I’m sure going to try! Plus, you’ll learn having a plan is really not something that I’m good at in all cases, or at least not one that doesn’t change 3 times, so having a definite one- and one you get to control- is scary!

You’ll come to know that your daddy and I went through a lot to get to meet you. The loss of your siblings rocked us, made us rely on each other and God in ways we never knew we could, and made us question our faith and every decision we made. You can’t possibly know the number of people who have prayed for you to take your first breath since we announced that you were a little peanut with a heartbeat back in September!

I’ve been thinking in the last few weeks of things that I can’t wait for or am praying for for you. You started as a sweet little heartbeat, became a butterfly in my tummy, started to be a gentle nudge, and now you are a kicking, stretching, hiccuping little stranger. It is surreal to feel like I know you, but have never met you. I can’t wait to see exactly how much like your daddy you look. Every ultrasound we’ve had you have been laying like he was in his baby pictures. I can’t wait to count your fingers and toes, and kiss each one as I go. I have prayed for you every day since we learned you were growing inside me to be strong and healthy, and I will continue that prayer forever. I hope you have your daddy’s hair, sense of humor, and quick wit. I hope you have my eyes. I pray you become a man of God. I hope to “train you up in the way you should go.” I can’t wait to hear your cry, see your first smile, and hear your first giggle. I can’t wait to see your daddy with you. He is so excited to become a dad. At one point he asked if we could “Amazon Prime” you so we didn’t have to wait. You are such a blessed little boy.

Most of all I pray that you know how very wanted and loved you have been from the very beginning of your little life. We’ll have to learn from each other, and I’m sure if you’re like me, you’ll lose your patience, I’m sure I’ll lose mine, and poor Dad will just lose it. But, no matter what, I hope you know that I will always be there, I will always come running, and I will always love every little thing about you.

You are our greatest blessing and our something beautiful! See you soon, we have a date!

All my love,